by Marci Alboher, Working the New Economy, on Fri Oct 30, 2009 8:50am PDT
To mangle Tolstoy, good bosses are all alike. They are good mentors; they care about your happiness and advancement; their interests seem aligned with your own.
Bad bosses, on the other hand, come in many flavors. And a new book, "Working for You Isn't Working for Me," by Katherine Crowley and Kathi Elster, provides a field guide to the many species of bad boss. There's the "checked out" boss (can these really survive in this kind of job market?), the "rule changer" (who tells you to take a lunch break then seems surprised you're not at your desk), the "underminer" (who asks you for help and then makes it impossible for you to assist), the "chronic critic" (needs no explanation), and a slew of others. For each bad behavior, the authors give sample scenarios to help you recognize your situation, and then walks you through a process to take back power and correct it.
This is is a book that should sit next to all your other reference bibles so that you can consult it as difficult situations arise. I asked Katherine (KC) and Kathi (KE) to answer some commonly-asked questions about situations we've all encountered.
Q: How is dealing with a bad boss different than dealing with a difficult family member?
KC – Bosses and family members share often many characteristics, but by the time we’re adults, most of us don’t depend on difficult family members for our livelihood. A boss, on the other hand, has direct control over your paycheck and your daily experience at work. A bad boss is like having a bad business parent who can have a negative impact on your career, your financial future and your confidence.
KE – Fortunately, the workplace offers clearer cut boundaries than home. There are employment laws, and people around who can monitor, filter and support your relationship with your boss. But, in the family we have fewer options. The four-step process that we lay out in Working for You Isn’t Working for Me (detect, detach, depersonalize, and deal) would in fact work at home as well as in the workplace.
Q: We all know that you can't change people. So is it all about controlling or changing your reactions to a bad boss?
KE – Yes, since your chances of changing your boss are slim, you’re best option is to work on your reaction to the boss. We call it taking back your power. The power that you do have is how you react to the boss and how you take care of yourself within the relationship.
KC – It’s important to be able to identify exactly what the boss does that bothers you -- which is why we spell out 20 different kinds of behaviors in our book. But it’s equally important to craft a plan for re-charging yourself. You want to restore your energy (through exercise, meditation, or healthy escapes), repair your emotional state (circulate, don’t isolate) and re-build your confidence (write down your successes everyday, find places to showcase your talents).
KE – Let’s say your boss criticizes everything you do (we call this kind of boss a chronic critic). He or she probably isn’t going to change. Once you realize this, you can neutralize the pain of receiving constant negative feedback by engaging in rigorous exercise, spending time with a mentor, and contributing your skills to a cause or an industry event that you believe in.
Q: Is it possible to do good work and have a really good experience of work under a really bad boss?
KE – No, not really. If your boss is truly bad: micro-manages you, undermines your efforts, lies, changes direction all the time or only finds your flaws, your experience at work is not going to be good. It’s very difficult to feel successful without the support of your boss.
KC – You can, however, find ways to manage the relationship so that it doesn’t spoil your day and won’t block your career. Instead of focusing your attention on how miserable it is to work for this person, we encourage people to keep building their skills and expanding their networks outside of work. By creating options, you’ll feel less trapped.
Q: What are some of the things you should do when your boss or the person who managed your work leaves the and you're not getting a warm and fuzzy feeling from the person who takes over?
KC – When a former boss leaves, there’s always a period of loss and adjustment, and that time is especially difficult if you don’t like the replacement or if you sense that he/she might not like you. It’s a good idea to find out what your new boss’s management style is and what his or her goals are for your division. The more you can communicate your willingness to be part of the new plan, the better your chances of becoming a welcome member of the team.
KE – Understanding who you are and what you require of anyone who manages you can also help you as you try to learn how to work under a new boss. We suggest you take our boss baggage assessment (chapter 5) to learn what you expect from your boss, what you need from your boss and what you fear about your boss. Then see how your way of relating to authority fits with your new leader’s style.
Q: Are there certain situations or types of bad bosses when is the only solution to leave the job?
KC – By far the toughest boss to work for is what we call a Persecutor. This is someone who targets you and makes your life miserable; intentionally scolding you, belittling you, blocking you, and intimidating you at every opportunity. Unless you are a temporary target, it’s best to find the safest exit ASAP.
KE – We believe that it’s time to leave when the situation with your boss is affecting your health. It’s normal to lose some sleep because of work, or to have bad days. But if your situation has turned chronic and is causing you excessive illness, it’s safe to say that this relationship is causing you more harm than good.
